The T-zone

you're all lame, except for the one person who was smart enough to disagree... that shit was hilarious... bitching about a fucking clothes company... if u dont like it, dont buy it, but no one wants to hear your whiny jealous bullshit

It's funny, because the same principle applies to you: if "u" don't like it, don't read it. If you don't want to hear my "whiny jealous bullshit," why the fuck are you still here? Oh, that's right, because you realized that not only were my points absolutely brilliant, they were also correct.

Also, where along the line did you get the "jealous" vibe from? I don't need to whore myself out to a company to feed my ego; it's massive enough already. Callow, insecure dipshits like you might need to have "ABERCROMBIE" plastered all over your body to make you feel like you have a purpose in that empty life of yours, but I find that I can accomplish the same thing by - get this - actually giving myself a purpose.

Right now, my purpose is to convey the fact that I'm infinitely better than you in every single way possible, and I think I've done a damn good job of it.

Next up: curing cancer and finding a way around heroin addiction.

Now go tell mommy that if she doesn't buy you that $200 pair of pants, you're going to grow up to be a blue-collar criminal all because she ruined your childhood.

Xanga is good for one thing: giving me new material.

EXCUSE ME, BUT THAT "DIEAGRAM" OF A GOTH GIRL IS SO STEROTYPICAL! FIRST THE SLEEVES NOT ATTACHED TO ANYTHING ARE CALLED ARM SOCKS, AND AGAIN, I WERE BAND TEE SHIRTS WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME, I HANG OUT WITH THAT CROWD, WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME A WHORE OR A GOTH, I AM NEIHER A WHORE OR A GOTH, YOU JUST WISH YOU WERE A GOTH, I GUESS YOU ARE ALREADY A WHORE!

!PAPAYA! OR ANNA

Posted 6/27/2005 at 8:22 PM by BaffledPapaya

...you are this person.

I'm not just a conceited bastard telling you why emo kids suck, I'm also a wealth of information on all things shady.

In the past I've given you information about lady Mary Jane and explosives.

Today, childs, T-zone presents: alcohol made easy. You can make alcohol at home with ingredients from your kitchen.

Firstly, although brewing is probably legal no matter who you are, drinking the product is not. This information is here ONLY to provide you with a source of ethanol for your experiments in alternative fuel methods, being the environmentally-friendly person you are.

That being said, homebrewing is ridiculously easy.

The active ingredients are sugar, water, and yeast. Alcohol is basically fungus piss - think about that the next time you're drinking a wine cooler or whatever the hell it is my target audience (read: everyone) likes to use to poison themselves with.

Yeast consume sugar and excrete alcohol. As long as there's enough sugar, they'll keep doing this until they all die of alcohol poisoning. You can never add too much sugar (unless you saturate the water and try to add more sugar, but that's really really really really hard to do), but you CAN add too little sugar and too much yeast.

When you don't have enough sugar the yeast eat eachother. When you have too much yeast it will start to reproduce and make more yeast. Generally speaking, this will make your homebrew disgusting (if slightly alcoholic), so avoid this.

So here's what you need to do:

Put about four cups of sugar in the jug. I always use more than I think I need, because what doesn't ferment can be fermented again if I freeze the alcohol out of the solution. Now fill the jug a bit more than 3/4ths of the way with warm (NOT hot or cold) water and shake it so the sugar gets mixed in with the water. Now get yourself a packet of baker's yeast. Brewer's yeast is best if you can get it, but chances are that if you're reading this you can't. Follow the instructions on the packet for hydrating the yeast, and then put it into the sugar-water concoction. Now put the cap on TIGHT and shake vigorously.

Now get some aquarium tubing and poke a hole in the cap so that the aquarium tubing just fits through. Leave enough aquarium tubing on the inside of the cap that it fits inside the jug but not so much that it touches the liquid. Put the cap on tight, put the jug in a closet or somewhere dark (sunlight kills yeast), and put the other end of the tubing into a glass of water.

The reason for this is that the yeast produce A LOT of carbon dioxide which has the effect of making your bottles explode and getting sticky half-alcoholic water all over your closet. The tube lets out the carbon dioxide until the pressure inside the bottle is equal to the pressure outside. Because it's in water, the face-eating mold will grow on the water instead of inside your nearly-alcohol.

Let it sit for a week or two. It takes about this long for primary fermentation to finish. After a week, sniff it. It should reek of alcohol, but if it doesn't, just leave it for another week.

After primary fermentation is finished, siphon off most of your wine, leaving only the dregs behind. Don't try to get all the wine out - you'll take nasty dead yeast with you. They're not any more toxic than alcohol is already, but they'll make you sick to your stomach.

Now that primary fermentation is finished, you should be able to get godly drunk (or at least fairly buzzed) off of your newly-brewed neurotoxin. If you want taste, though, let it age for a month or two. Be careful - this can sometimes turn the alcohol in the wine to vinegar, so keep the fermentation lock (cap with tubing and the glass of water) on it, changing the water every week or so, and keep it away from sunlight and in a refrigerator.

If you want higher alcohol content, too bad. Yeast can only make so much alcohol before they die of alcohol poisoning.

There is no legal way to get a higher concentration of alcohol.

Theoretically, if you were to freeze your wine and then pour out the remaining liquid, you'd have something very alcoholic (alcohol has a freezing temperature of around -80 degrees Celsius). However this is illegal throughout most of the US and quite a large portion of Europe, so I don't recommend it.

Always drink responsibly.

Bands that try to make "political statements" in their songs can eat me.

No, I don't mean bands like the Rolling Stones who made a clever commentary on the Vietnam War in "Gimme Shelter," or John Lennon who wrote an ENTIRE FUCKING SONG about Marxism (how cool is that?), I'm talking about bands that try to be political because it's "cool."

Today's victim is System of a Down. Their oh-so-popular song "BYOB" is actually a "political statement" about the "war" on Iraq.

I enclose "war" in quotes because we're basically beating the shit out of them for no reason except oil. Although I don't condone this, I fail to see how you 13-year-old "anarchists" (who probably have posters of Sid Vicious in your bedrooms because he's "like, so cool, man") can criticize the government for it while failing to realize that countries always fight wars in their best interests. Europe fought a war over OPIUM, for fuck's sake! No matter how you look at it, opium is less important than oil. Until you brush up on your world history, shut the fuck up, you have no authority to criticize anyone for fighting a war.

So, anyway.

The song references the "war" on Iraq, oil, Fort Knox, Moses, and fascism. How clever. However it references all of them in the wrong way, including, but not limited to, suggesting that the government is breaking into Fort Knox. I don't know about you, but if I owned Fort Knox, I sure as hell wouldn't be breaking into it.

The biggest flaw lies in the lines, "Why don't Presidents fight the war? / Why do they always send the poor?"

Easy, dipshit: because if the President fights the war there's nobody to do his fucking job. You elected him, you didn't draft him. Why don't the poor do the President's job? OH, THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T! This is where I'm supposed to go off on a monologue about petty bourgeois intellectuals and how the proletariat is oppressed, workers of the world unite, the end.

Why don't the poor run the country?
Why do they always elect someone qualified to do it?

I know that George W. Bush isn't exactly an example of someone "qualified," but you fuckwits elected him FOR A SECOND TERM, so you obviously are a hell of a lot dumber than he is.

He pulled the wool over your patriotic eyes.

It was 50% nylon to boot.

The good news, Mr. Jackson, is that you're not guilty on all charges.

The bad news is that you still look like this:


Oh, and you're still a creepy old guy who hangs out with little kids.

Forgot to mention that one.

But at least you're not guilty, yeah?

I'm going to let you guys in on a few secrets.

The next time you want to compliment me on how terribly articulate I am by trying to use "rhetoric" as an insult, please avoid using the adjective form as a noun. You can't "spew rhetorical."

Also, please refrain from eating all my angel food cake. It's getting on my nerves.